I grew up being told what an ideal man was for a woman. My mother, cousins and aunt sold the idea of being a good husband as the most righteous thing ever. From then on, being a good husband became an aspiration. At the age of 12 that aspiration would quickly be revised, at this point I have witnessed four divorces, and five of my close friends getting cheated on, one of them being a lady. The pain I witnessed them go through was what I didn’t want a part of, and so the idea of having a girlfriend was uncertain.
At the age of nineteen the reality of relationship awkwardness would be amplified by the military experience. It is customary to assume that anyone should know not to cheat in a relationship, so why do some cheat then? I saw women go to bed with another Marine just hours after their partners embarked on a deployment. Married mates always suggesting we go to stripclubs to hang-out, it was not uncommon to see some try to catch a fish at the bar. All this made me question the validity of a rational relationship. Could it be that relationship and marriage are akin to the Santa Claus fantasy sold us as kids?
Women complain men ain’t shit but are eager to jump in bed with another’s husband. Generally talk about how they want to be adored but always reward the wayward men and even worse reduce the fatherhood standard and siring a child with misfits, at this point babymama is a mistake no woman ought to be making. This was the reality that became more predominant, as if to mock all that is rational. Could it be a mistake or instead a choice. As my guide always infers, Life is 98% consequence of action, 1% blessing, 1% curse, the blessing and curse being the situation our parents bequeathed to us.
I was made to see my my grandpa having more women other than his wife as sinister, as told by the ladies who raised me. When I turned thirteen, the strange men who knew of the women that had raised me told me of how they were wayward as young women. That really confused me and I wanted to find my own truth, having heard from both sides. A prelude to the battle of the sexes perhaps, both sides wants you to regard marriage as your destiny but at the same time present you with the evidence of why it is reasonable to avoid it, quite the paradox.
For the most part of my late teens and and early twenties I’d given up on relationship without ever been in one. I have never believed in casual relationships, either it is meant to end in marriage or don’t do it at all. Most who hate their fathers for abandoning and treating their mothers as dirt end up treating their lovers as dirt just like the father they disdained, girls raised by single moms end up as single moms also. Pathology is largely attributed to the reason behind this, but pathology also absolve adults of agency. Innately, we know what is rightful but sometimes we choose to not stand alone in the act of being good, what is the point of abstinence when everyone is doing, I won’t miss out type of mentality.
I call it the “I rather go to hell with them than spend eternity alone in heaven” philosophy of conformity. We are all guilty of this, as a child it is easy to blame Adam and Eve until you experience relationship as an adult. As earlier mentioned mentioned, we know what is right but mostly choose to not, so as not to be the stupid one. When stupidity is the popular culture, being wise appears stupid. That is what modern relationship is today, shoot him before he shoots me, ensure your partner loves you more than you love him/her, make sure you are crazier than he/she is; all this evil spiteful relationship ethos. What ought to edify is abused and becomes a survival of the more arsehole partner.
Male or female it does not matter , we have all like Adam and Eve tasted of the forbidden fruit, we have all in us the knowledge of good and evil and we actively justify the evil by our decisions. As one relationship is dissolved and we jump right into the next one while still bleeding from the previous wound, now smearing the innocent one of the relationship with blood from the previous cut, rewarding their love with sour memories. They in turn break up and go out to hurt another, now the relationship market is full of people, though not wanting to be rewarded with evil for their love, hold back while still expecting full benefits from the innocent “sucker” they are interested in, a false sense of entitlement.
“Do unto others as you would have them do to you” as christ sated, it is as simple as it sounds but we fail woefully at it. We have conditioned ourselves to always demanding and not willing to reciprocate, a generation of those who want more for less emerges. A love inspired of fear contaminates everything pure (1John 4:18). If we aspire to lead a faithful relationship, maintaining fidelity, we must start while unmarried. Learning how to be single, choosing not to recover from break ups via means of rebounds, inadvertently becoming that demon we hate. Break ups hurt, I finally experienced it at age 28, and I know divorce would hurt even more, so that ain’t a bloody option.
My first relationship was at 27 and it only lasted 5 months, it was over infidelity. I learned that you can never be proficient at what you lack sufficient practice at, if you have never learned to be single, it will ruin every potential long term relationship in the long run. If having sex with another person is so easy right after a break up, during marriage you will easily have sex with another to cope with every argument that ensues in your marriage. After breakups, instead of jumping into a rebound relationship, learn to improve your self worth, edify your body and soul instead.
It is imperative to not throw one’s pearls at pigs or treasure people who think of themselves as thrash. As adults we are broken if we are yet to have a healthy ego/self worth, relationship is not to improve another individual’s self worth. Relationship does not bring happiness or solve personal problems, it is an institution for two people willing to raise a healthy family together and comfort each other over the years of the blows life deals.
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